As an Intimacy Coach and Sex Educator Dee Siren is unique. She specializes in non-traditional relationships; helping polyamorous couples, married swingers and sex workers improve their dating lives. We talk intimacy, commitment, open relationships and finding yourself. Then, we countdown the Top 5 Words We Always Mispell.
Dee Siren: 01:36ish
Pointless: 22:24ish
Top 5: 36:53ish
http://www.thelovesiren.com/ (Dee Siren Website)
www.Twitter.com/MrsSiren (Dee Siren Twitter)
www.Instagram.com/the.lovesiren (Dee Siren Instagram)
Interview with Intimacy Coach Dee Siren
Nick VinZant 0:11
Welcome to Profoundly Pointless. My name is Nick VinZant. And coming up in this episode, intimacy tips, and the top five words we always EMI, S, S P E, ll misspell,
Dee Siren 0:26
we just consider sexual or physical touch being intimate, when really all these other things mean so much to us. And when it comes to females love language means everything you know you are the until you build a strong foundation of who you are behind the mask you put on every day. Swing is actually a lot more open and a lot less controlled. Because there's a lot of different people that you have to deal with. I and names like I am super bad with names. So people ask me to work with so and so. And I'll be like, I don't think so. And then I'll see it's like, oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. I did work with that. PETA,
Nick VinZant 1:08
I want to thank you so much for joining us. If you get a chance, like, download, subscribe, share, leave a review, we really appreciate it really helps us out. So our first guest helps people become more intimate. And she specializes in non traditional relationships. polyamorous couples, Swingers, people with open marriages. This is intimacy coach and sex educator, de Seiren. When people struggle with intimacy, like what are they? Where does that really usually come from? Like, what's the main source of the problem?
Dee Siren 1:44
intimacy in the first place is misunderstood. There are so many different forms of intimacy. There are, you know, there's experiential intimacy, meaning that you've experienced something with someone else you've, you know, gone on a vacation, you've spent time with them, you've you've built a relationship through experiences, you have a life with them. But that, but experiences in general are intimate, and you really just don't realize how many people you actually have intimate relationships with, which, in turn, makes us not as connected to other people, because we just don't realize how many people were actually connected to you. And then there's intellectual intimacy, intellectual intimacy is you and I having this conversation, you're learning something for me, I'm learning something from you. And that's building a connection with each other. With that being the case, you know, you have so many intimate relationships with so many different people. But we just consider sexual or physical touch, being intimate. When really with our life partners, all these other things mean so much to us. And when it comes to females, love language means everything. So you have to figure out with your partner, what's their love language? You know, what do they What does means the most to them? Is it the touch? Or is it that you do the dishes? Is it that you ask them how their day was? You know, is it the words of affirmation that you're telling them they get it did a good job, you know, so it's all about, you know, paying attention to the person that you're with at the time and really showing that you are connected to them?
Nick VinZant 3:31
Let's get controversial. And for the ease of conversation, let's talk about a heterosexual relationship man and a woman who's the problem, usually the man or the woman,
Dee Siren 3:41
I think the problem is, is that you think there's a problem. You know, really, there's not always a problem. You know, in life, we are given struggle and struggle, builds character, struggled builds upon us so that we can actually grow and evolve in our lives rather than holding us back. It actually helps us to learn from each other, it helps us to grow in our relationships, it helps us to maybe even look outside of our relationship for something more. And the fact is, is that I think the big problem in relationships in this is any kind of relationship is that we look for one person to really help us through anything, and we expect that person to be able to do everything for us, you know, are they able to be our best friend? Are they able to be our sexual soulmate? Are they able to take care of our children? Are they able to, you know, help us with dinner at night? Are they the best cook and the best housewife and the best this and is my husband the best? Why would you expect one person to be able to do everything for you? And honestly, it's just about mindset because in the end, you are the only person that sees the world the way you see it. No one else sees it the way you see it and they never will And you know, honestly, when it comes to like jealousy, that's a factor. It's a big factor in people's relationships. So these are these ideas of jealousy. And it comes up because we're insecure,
Nick VinZant 5:12
when when people kind of come to you, or they generally complaining about and complaining is a relative word, right? Is their issue usually, like we're not intimate enough in the bedroom, or we're not intimate enough to kind of adjust in everyday life
Dee Siren 5:25
more than anything, people come to me as individuals. I do have couples that come to me trying to work on their relationships, but it's more coming to me as an individual to figure out what is their what are their issues, because when it comes down to it, it all starts with you, you know, you are the until you build a strong foundation of who you are behind the mask you put on every day, and realize that you know, all the shit that you have piled upon you and made into your ego and your personality, and see that that actually is still stuck. Because people get stuck in old patterns of behavior, old thought processes, and they just repeat themselves, it's just becomes the next person is just gonna have the same crap that you had with your girlfriend in high school, because you're still stuck in that same thought process, you're just putting it onto another person. And until you break the cycle that you're still connected to, it doesn't change.
Nick VinZant 6:32
I've always been fascinated by this idea, right? I heard this before one time where somebody was talking about like, in the past, there was a tiger, a tiger that would you know, kill us. And in reality, now, we're still having that same kind of fearful reaction to things. But there is no tiger. It's just a bad meeting.
Dee Siren 6:51
Exactly. Like we all live. And that's just, you know, it's super survival instinct. We still live with that survival instinct every day. That you know, humans still think we we have to be in a state of fear.
Nick VinZant 7:08
When you know, when it comes to kind of intimacy, are there certain things that people can do to kind of get that back to increase their intimacy?
Dee Siren 7:18
Honestly, the biggest thing to increase your intimacy is communication, like start talking to each other. You know, I think so many people stop talking to each other, and stop having deep conversations, there comes a point where life becomes monotonous, you have a routine, you get into the routine, especially after you have children. But you also have to realize that you are still a person and your spouse is still a person and you should still have a life outside of those children. Like, it's important to, you know, realize that your intimate relationship with your spouse is just as important as that relationship you have with your kids. Because once you guys stop talking to each other and stop, and just forgetting, like, why did you like each other in the first place? And are you still friends? Because a lot of people think, Okay, I'm in this relationship. I've committed to this relationship. I've said, Okay, I'm married, and society puts a lot of pressure on us. I have differences of opinions on relationships than a lot of people do. Most of what I do, I help people that are in non traditional relationships. Because I believe in non traditional relationships, I've been in Iran been in a non traditional ways relationship for the majority of my life. Where I am polyamorous. I do believe in a relationship where you don't have to be monogamous. I don't think it's natural for humans to be monogamous. We're not penguins. And you know, and it's okay to open your life up to other people. I'm super not for limiting love in your life. Like, I think this world needs a lot more love than we are allowed to show to other people. And I think it's super healthy to show love to other people. However, I'm not against monogamous relationships, either, like most people around me, my family, and they all have those relationships. And that's totally fine.
Nick VinZant 9:13
Do you think that problems with intimacy have gotten worse necessarily? Or do we just hear about them more like people are more comfortable talking about it, as opposed to like, No, I think people have actually gotten worse and worse at this.
Dee Siren 9:26
I don't think they're worse, to be honest. Because I talked to people in all different generations. It's just that I think now people are realizing that for one thing, you don't have to stay in a bad relationship. It's not it's not required. Because it's okay to not be in that shitty relationship forever. You know, that's not the end of the world to leave that relationship and try something different. You can also continue to have good, a good relationship with the other person that you aren't, quote, married to or living with or whatever. You can still have a good relationship with that person and not actually live with that person. So I think it's just more being open minded. I think it's more about talking and just being able to express how you feel, I do think that there's a big change that women can express themselves where before they weren't able to, because I think a lot of times, it comes back to that ownership idea that we weren't allowed to be able to express ourselves, we weren't allowed to be able to say, this sucks, you know, I don't want to do this anymore. We had to just stay in the relationship we were in, because that's what we chose to do, or that's what we were told to do are placed in that relationship for so long, we had relationships that were, you know, chosen for us. And it's like, okay, this is who you're married and get over it.
Nick VinZant 10:47
So like, how did you how did you get into this? How did you start intimacy coaching?
Dee Siren 10:51
Well, I mean, I've been in a relationship forever, like, my husband and I started dating when we were 19. And, you know, we've been together, what, 28 years. And, of that time, like, I would say, the majority of it, we have been, well, we I about 10 of that we were in a monogamous relationship, completely vanilla, regular relationship. And then we decided to be in an open relationship and tried, we were Swingers, and we did that kind of thing. And then we went into the adult industry, which made it more, I would say more controlled. Swinging is actually a lot more open and a lot less controlled. Because it's a lot of different people that you have to deal with. And a lot of different relationships, it's hard to be in that type of situation, because you're dealing with so many different personalities and having to get along with so many different kinds of people. And then, being in the adult industry, it's much more of a controlled environment where you work with different types of people, but you're not necessarily building a an emotional relationship or an emotional intimacy with those people. It's more experiential intimacy. It's more physical and sexual intimacy, but you're not really building any kind of emotional intimacy with those people were swinging, you could build emotional intimacy with those people. The more people you're around, the more people that you open yourself up to you start realizing that there are so many different people in the world, and you really just build different connections. And when it comes down to it, it's just all about connection. And we've really put a lot of boundaries on sexuality. And it's just natural, like sexual sex and sexuality are just a basic instinct,
Nick VinZant 13:04
even though there is kind of like the moralistic stand of that right, which comes from religion in which monogamous relationships, sex is only for the purpose of procreation, that kind of thing. It sounds like a polyamorous relationship would be great and great for everybody. But ultimately, would it work?
Dee Siren 13:23
I think the limitation comes with the insecurity. And the insecurity comes with the background of yourself, can you handle being worth more than one person? And that all depends on what happens then who teaches you that being with another person is a bad thing? Are you taught that it's bad to look at other people? Have you been shamed for looking at other people? Have you been taught that? Oh, no. Like, if it's not a man and a woman together forever, then that's not a family. So yeah, that it doesn't always work. But it all just depends on your mindset. Are you capable of handling the situation where you can take care of all these different people in your life? If you're not then you shouldn't do it?
Nick VinZant 14:12
Are you ready for some harder slash listener submitted questions? Sure. What is awakening your orgasmic body?
Dee Siren 14:21
So I am a super multiple orgasmic person. And I have different levels. The first level is just I'm a squirter. So the first level is just really squatting is very basic. And that happens, I can do it to myself. It can be done even without like, any kind of vaginal like, stimulation. I can do it from like deep kissing. I could do it from biting my neck. I can do it all different ways. And it's really like lubrication. It's like natural lubrication without having like any having to use any kind of other lubrication. So that one's really basic to me. It's still orgasmic. But it's super basic, then I get into a stage that is more like, which does require penetration. It's more like I don't know, animalistic, I guess you would say that's when the noises start happening. And it's definitely more that way. I would take what that saying to be more a third stage for me personally, because that is when I get a if if the person can continue to go because it's, it does get to a point, I could do it with toys, and I can do it with some people. But most people are already finished by the time that I get there. It is definitely more of an out of body experience. I do kind of disassociate at that point. Because it's like an internal massage to me, once I get to like my third level of orgasm. I don't squirt i It's not like that it's much more deep internalized, I kind of go off into my own little world. I look like I'm probably asleep, or dead. It's just much more like I'm super relaxed, absolutely relaxed, you can kind of do whatever, because I'm so relaxed to the point where it's just like, wow, like, I'm just I don't know, I get to the point where it's just super. I don't know, like I said, it's like a deep massage. But internally. So
Nick VinZant 16:32
does everybody have that?
Dee Siren 16:34
I think that if you allowed yourself to get to that you Yes, I think if you allowed yourself to let go to that stage that every but everyone could get to that point. But it does allow it does require you to let go
Nick VinZant 16:50
demand heaven?
Dee Siren 16:52
I don't think so. I don't think so you work
Nick VinZant 16:55
on dating in the adult industry? How is dating in the industry different than dating and normal, normal? You know what word I mean? Right? Like fill in the appropriate word there. But
Dee Siren 17:06
most people need adult and she date each other. Because when you're in the adult industry, you have to understand that sex is part of your job. And that we don't when you have this job, you have to be comfortable with the fact that you're gonna have sex with other people. I mean, it's just part of the job. Like, I don't have a we don't have as an adult industry workers, we don't have an emotional connection to every person that we work with. Like that's like I said, that's the difference between swinging and being in the adult industry. We don't have that connection, we don't build that connection. You know, there's a lot of people that I've worked with that, honestly, a whole bunch that I don't even remember them. Like, I always tell them, I can probably remember your penis much more than your face. Because like, I didn't even see their face. Like, I mean, that's not really where my focus was. I and names like I am super bad with names though. People asked me to work with so and so. And I'll be like, I don't think so. And then I'll see. Like, oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. I did work with that fetus. So like, Yeah, I mean, the girls, I normally remember all the girls. Because like, we build friendships like it's, and that's the thing like i There are guys, I remember because I've actually sat down and talk to them. So that's like different if I actually sit and talk to you, but if you're on set and you're literally just going on set, you're working, doing your work and leaving. You don't really have time to sit and talk. I mean, it's just a matter of like, okay, we're doing our work, we're getting paid, we're doing our job and going home like there's no building a relationship or friendship or anything like that. It's outside of that that we build friendships. So
Nick VinZant 19:03
this is either a ridiculous question or a brilliant follow up question. Who has like the most recognizable penis in the adult industry?
Dee Siren 19:12
Um, well, I probably the ones with the bigger ones, like the biggest, probably Mandingo and like dread chain diesel those guys are ridiculously big. And they don't it's hard to miss when you if you know they are and you've seen them, it's like whoa, that can't be real. It doesn't look real. So
Nick VinZant 19:42
that's you know, we've talked about most of the other questions that we got this so that's all the questions that I have. Is there anything else that you think that we missed or what's kind of coming up next for you?
Dee Siren 19:53
I'm honestly I'm just continue to work. I read a lot. That's all I do have I have like, my bookshelf, if you can see my books, my bookshelf of books and building upon my new life coaching website, it's my Karma Sutra, calm. Karma Sutra is the name of the company. And Kama Sutra is the Love rules. And that is like audio thing like that's old all Sanskrit, from, you know, the Indian culture is that the Kama Sutra is, they've always people connect it to sex like positions. But if you actually read the original Kama Sutra, which is back there in that bookshelf, it it's actually the roles of love. So there's a lot more to it than just positions that just happens to be like depictions of it. And but you know, my website is actually a play on those those words. And it's actually Karma Sutra, which is because sutra just means rules. And karma, of course, is, most people think of karma as like, oh, that's your karma, like, it's gonna come back to get you. But karma actually means action. So it's actually action rolls, because I just believe that all, you know, we talk a lot, everybody just talks and talks and talks. And that's all everybody ever does, these days is just talk about what they're going to do. But it's all about your action, like love does not, you can say you love something, but until you act on it, and show what you're actually going to do. And show that you actually love somebody and do the things that, you know, find out what their love languages are and show them that you actually love them, then it doesn't matter. So until you act on those things until you actually take the steps to improve yourself. And until you, you know, show that it's something you want to change or until you take the steps to actually follow all those roles, then. What's the point?